Mikey... every time Kazutora thought of him, it came with mixed feelings. When he first met him and joined Toman, it was a mix of awe and resentment. After Mikey claimed him, it was adoration and loyalty. After Shinichiro, it was hate like he still couldn't believe. While in jail a second time, it was gratefulness. And since coming to Stygia, it's been a warm build, layer by layer, of comradery.. and determination. To help him, to be by his side, to be the friend and partner Mikey deserved.
All of this came and went in a flash each time Mikey came to mind, giving him brief pause, before he'd text back.
checking out a new apartment complex, if you wanna head this way--
[And with that, he'd send Mikey an address for a place near the merchants quarters, or as best of an address as he could surmise in a place like this.]
you dont need to. im working on something for us. ill be there soon.
(one step, after another step, and a deep breath. kazutora's forever such a touchy thing for him, someone he's promised to take care and own to the very end of time. owning means, his happiness is mikey's own, so is his sadness, delusions, wars, until he couldn't do it anymore. not when their pain was so deeply shared from different angles, and when the war was against himself.
but it doesn't matter. he has to make an effort, because here, this is what he has. kazutora's been forgiven, and whether that is true in mikey's heart is something he is still to see, to feel and to grasp. he'll do that as he enters the building, plopping on a seat in front of kazutora's own.)
Hey.
(and he's 15. have fun with that mindfuck, kazutora.)
[There'd be a start, a shock to the system that would be visible in the tremor that would pass through Kazutora as he'd stare at Mikey, now young again. His eyes would widen.]
Mikey...? What-- the fuck happened? You're--
[He didn't even know how to finish that sentence. This was the Mikey that until recently he wanted to murder into teeny tiny bits and pieces, wanted to bash through walls, wanted to grind into paste. .. but this was also the Mikey that had forgiven him.. But did he remember the things they'd spoken about? Was he the same, just... younger looking...?]
... Oh. You've met me, right? When I was older. Well, long story short, I looked really fucking hard at a mirror and this happened, no, I don't remember the future, no, I don't remember everything I said or that I did at that time, if at all.
(he's had this conversation over and over and over and over again. that covers most of the questions he's able to answer, if he is able to answer any.
but looking at kazutora like this, it does bring a sense of uneasiness, even if his face remains within the bounds of neutrality as it always had.)
[There's a wave of sadness that passes over Kazutora's eyes. That Mikey from the future, he understood Kazutora in a way he didn't think was possible for Mikey to understand. For anyone to understand. And now he was gone.. And any relationship he'd made with him was gone. Any comradery, even though Mikey had denied it.. was gone.
He'd blink and look at Mikey, really look at him. He wasn't the adult he'd come to rely upon. But this Mikey would eventually become that adult. And when he did, he would suffer from that darkness he'd mentioned. Maybe he already was suffering from it. Kazutora didn't want anyone to feel the way he'd felt the past two years. Not even Mikey.
Especially not Mikey.]
You were sad. [He'd look down at his hands, intertwine his fingers.] You were all alone, and you wanted to be alone. .. it -- [He'd shake his head and glance back up.] It didn't suit you. You weren't the vivacious brat you always are. [A grin.] .. But it did suit me. I related to you so much. Crazy, right? [A soft laugh.]
(he can't speak for someone he didn't know. all he can do is join the pieces. it's been swimming in his brain ever since baji died, the idea that he could perhaps walk away and walk the path of darkness - but he still had emma. he still had izana to save. he hasn't experienced all these losses to feel forsaken yet.
there's a smile on his face. whenever things are tough, there always is, and he gathers all courage in him to place a hand on kazutora's own set.)
Are you all alone? Are you really all alone?
(because mikey's, as hard as it is, is right in front of him, holding his hand as he had a few years ago.)
You're mine, Kazutora Hanemiya. You're never going to be alone.
[There's a moment of hesitation, of eyes widening, shoulders trembling, of Kazutora staring at Mikey before he'd look down, hands clenching into fists beneath Mikey's, and simply start to cry.
How could Mikey say that to him, after everything he'd done? After killing Shinichiro? Killing Baji? Trying to kill him?? How can he still want to keep that promise of owning him, being there for him-?
He'd shake his head, biting his lip, before he'd choke out a response.] No--
No, I can't let you do that again, Mikey, not after everything I've done. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone, and I--
[The sobs would come stronger now, waves of guilt and despair that would make him crumble to his knees were he not sitting.]
I'm sorry -- [He'd gasp, and the words would start to tumble over themselves, spilling out of him like marbles loosened from their canister.] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry--
[What else was there to say? What else was there to do but to echo his remorse over and over and to strive to be better.]
(there are many sides of the blonde who is taking a deep breath. from incorrigible brat, to charismatic authority that could shook one to their core - and that's the one he is going to employ, his voice firm and thundering as he attempts to break kazutora from his loop.)
Tora. Look at me.
(and here he goes.)
It'd be a lie to say what you've done doesn't bother me, and I ain't no liar. You took my brother, aided in the death of my first love, and you kept my beloved friend from me.
(three. kazutora's own self counts in the body count he's left behind.)
If I don't forgive you, and if you don't forgive yourself, all that will be for nothing. It's a process, and I don't think it'll be easy for any of us, but can you give me my friend back, Kazutora?
[Kazutora would look up slowly, tear stained, eyes wide, pupils pinpricks. Mikey's face was there. Mikey was there. His voice was hard, but his words were soft. He had that natural authority Kazutora couldn't even dream of having.
Draken had said something similar. That he still thought of Kazutora as a friend, and it had pissed him off. Because he still /wanted/ that, but he couldn't forgive himself. And if he couldn't forgive himself, how could he expect anybody else to forgive him? How could he expect anyone else to want him, when all he wanted to do was just die?
But Baji had changed that. By taking the blame for his own death, by forgiving Kazutora no matter what.. And Mikey, with his declaration that Kazutora was always a part of Toman, had changed that.
But he still couldn't understand it. What could he do to make up for what he'd done? How could he ever repay his debt?]
I-- want to, Mikey, but how-- how could that ever be enough...?
(while the words come out strict, perhaps crueler in message, it's soft in tone as he reaches to rid kazutora's face of his tears.
this isn't the same boy he nearly killed, or would have killed, if baji hadn't fucked that all up. this is someone who needs him, as per protocol, and he won't turn his back. not when he sees there's will.)
I say that, for now, it's enough. You're crying, Kazutora, not attempting to strangle me. Isn't that something? Live with us, and be free from this. Let me save you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
branchandroot
username. @mikey
Date: 2022-12-14 06:43 pm (UTC)are you free?
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 05:50 am (UTC)All of this came and went in a flash each time Mikey came to mind, giving him brief pause, before he'd text back.
yeah, im free.
where do you wanna meet?
no subject
Date: 2022-12-19 12:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-12-21 11:46 pm (UTC)[And with that, he'd send Mikey an address for a place near the merchants quarters, or as best of an address as he could surmise in a place like this.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 12:00 am (UTC)(one step, after another step, and a deep breath. kazutora's forever such a touchy thing for him, someone he's promised to take care and own to the very end of time. owning means, his happiness is mikey's own, so is his sadness, delusions, wars, until he couldn't do it anymore. not when their pain was so deeply shared from different angles, and when the war was against himself.
but it doesn't matter. he has to make an effort, because here, this is what he has. kazutora's been forgiven, and whether that is true in mikey's heart is something he is still to see, to feel and to grasp. he'll do that as he enters the building, plopping on a seat in front of kazutora's own.)
Hey.
(and he's 15. have fun with that mindfuck, kazutora.)
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 12:16 am (UTC)Mikey...? What-- the fuck happened? You're--
[He didn't even know how to finish that sentence. This was the Mikey that until recently he wanted to murder into teeny tiny bits and pieces, wanted to bash through walls, wanted to grind into paste. .. but this was also the Mikey that had forgiven him.. But did he remember the things they'd spoken about? Was he the same, just... younger looking...?]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 12:22 am (UTC)(he's had this conversation over and over and over and over again. that covers most of the questions he's able to answer, if he is able to answer any.
but looking at kazutora like this, it does bring a sense of uneasiness, even if his face remains within the bounds of neutrality as it always had.)
no subject
Date: 2022-12-22 02:55 pm (UTC)He'd blink and look at Mikey, really look at him. He wasn't the adult he'd come to rely upon. But this Mikey would eventually become that adult. And when he did, he would suffer from that darkness he'd mentioned. Maybe he already was suffering from it. Kazutora didn't want anyone to feel the way he'd felt the past two years. Not even Mikey.
Especially not Mikey.]
You were sad. [He'd look down at his hands, intertwine his fingers.] You were all alone, and you wanted to be alone. .. it -- [He'd shake his head and glance back up.] It didn't suit you. You weren't the vivacious brat you always are. [A grin.] .. But it did suit me. I related to you so much. Crazy, right? [A soft laugh.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-23 02:30 am (UTC)there's a smile on his face. whenever things are tough, there always is, and he gathers all courage in him to place a hand on kazutora's own set.)
Are you all alone? Are you really all alone?
(because mikey's, as hard as it is, is right in front of him, holding his hand as he had a few years ago.)
You're mine, Kazutora Hanemiya. You're never going to be alone.
no subject
Date: 2022-12-28 05:13 am (UTC)How could Mikey say that to him, after everything he'd done? After killing Shinichiro? Killing Baji? Trying to kill him?? How can he still want to keep that promise of owning him, being there for him-?
He'd shake his head, biting his lip, before he'd choke out a response.] No--
No, I can't let you do that again, Mikey, not after everything I've done. I don't deserve it. I don't deserve you, I don't deserve anyone, and I--
[The sobs would come stronger now, waves of guilt and despair that would make him crumble to his knees were he not sitting.]
I'm sorry -- [He'd gasp, and the words would start to tumble over themselves, spilling out of him like marbles loosened from their canister.] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry--
[What else was there to say? What else was there to do but to echo his remorse over and over and to strive to be better.]
no subject
Date: 2022-12-28 05:37 am (UTC)Tora. Look at me.
(and here he goes.)
It'd be a lie to say what you've done doesn't bother me, and I ain't no liar. You took my brother, aided in the death of my first love, and you kept my beloved friend from me.
(three. kazutora's own self counts in the body count he's left behind.)
If I don't forgive you, and if you don't forgive yourself, all that will be for nothing. It's a process, and I don't think it'll be easy for any of us, but can you give me my friend back, Kazutora?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-04 06:11 pm (UTC)Draken had said something similar. That he still thought of Kazutora as a friend, and it had pissed him off. Because he still /wanted/ that, but he couldn't forgive himself. And if he couldn't forgive himself, how could he expect anybody else to forgive him? How could he expect anyone else to want him, when all he wanted to do was just die?
But Baji had changed that. By taking the blame for his own death, by forgiving Kazutora no matter what.. And Mikey, with his declaration that Kazutora was always a part of Toman, had changed that.
But he still couldn't understand it. What could he do to make up for what he'd done? How could he ever repay his debt?]
I-- want to, Mikey, but how-- how could that ever be enough...?
no subject
Date: 2023-01-08 05:26 pm (UTC)(while the words come out strict, perhaps crueler in message, it's soft in tone as he reaches to rid kazutora's face of his tears.
this isn't the same boy he nearly killed, or would have killed, if baji hadn't fucked that all up. this is someone who needs him, as per protocol, and he won't turn his back. not when he sees there's will.)
I say that, for now, it's enough. You're crying, Kazutora, not attempting to strangle me. Isn't that something? Live with us, and be free from this. Let me save you.
(ok but who's saving mikey)