I'm not part of Toman anymore you fucker and you know that-!
Mikey ruined my life and you said you were with me-!! You promised--
[He'd turn away, shaking, stifling a sob. He couldn't bring himself to really lash out at Baji anymore, not after he'd realized he was indeed the most precious thing to him. Not after he'd realized he'd ruined that precious thing.
[He had promised. And he intended to keep that promise. No matter what. Even if it meant Mikey fucking hated him-- Mikey would be okay, wouldn't he? He had Draken and all the rest. He had so much love, so many people who understood and supported him. This was in fact, here in this place, a Mikey who had survived without him.
...He knew it was a fucking blow if he went. He knew he was one of the few people who'd really known Mikey as a child, who knew everything that went down, who'd seen his personality form, who understood the depth of the dark within him; who understood he had a killer instinct deep down but didn't want to. Should never evolve into having. Could be stopped from having.
Kazutora was the opposite... he was a killer on the surface, and shattered glass deep down. A broken, wounded thing who'd make a mistake and had suffered for it. A friend who needed a friend. A person who simply needed... forgiveness. A future. Hope.
Keisuke Baji wasn't smart. But he was a good first division leader. He knew people. He knew his people. He'd do anything; anything; for them.]
I promised you. And I won't go anywhere without you. I won't go home without you; but I wanna take you home, cause this place sucks.
I don't have a home, Baji. I don't have a family, I don't have anything--
All I had was you. All I ever had was you, and it's all I wanted, and in jail, I--
[He'd look up at the mottled, moldy ceiling.]
Fuck revenge, fuck redemption, the only thing that actually kept me going, day after day, were your letters. All I wanted was to get out and be with you again..
But it didn't matter 'cause you didn't want that, and I can't stand that-!
[He'd clench his fists tightly, so tightly his nails would dig into his palms, drips of blood splattering the cracked floor.
When he spoke again, his voice would crack with emotion.]
I killed you, you know. You must have heard that from Mikey already. Stabbed you when I realized you'd left me.
You don't want me, and I'm no good, so just -- go. Just go.
[Kazutora could rant if he wanted. Get it all out. That was probably productive, even.
Didn't matter though. He was rooted to the spot because he wanted to be, and he was rooted to the spot because Mikey had asked him to be.]
...I'm glad the letters meant somthin' to you. Good. They were a bitch to write. Sorry about the handwritin'.
[Chifuyu was a saint. Like... the patron saint of being irritating as fuck, mostly, but a good, good kid. He'd helped a lot.
He missed him, which felt vaguely stupid after beating his face in. But just like he knew Chifuyu didn't mind one iota, already forgave him, Kazutora had to know the same went for him.]
You're with me now, and I don't give a shit if you stabbed me. You didn't kill me. And I want you to come with me now. So we can all be in once place together. Safety in numbers. Mikey wants you with us; I do too.
He'd take the hit easily, head snapping to the side with the force of the hit. That was fine. Let Kazutora vent it all out here; it was safer that way.]
...you can be mad at me. But I need you to drop your vendetta against Mikey.
He wants you, Kazutora. We all want you back.
[Or well, Mikey was working on wanting him back. They could both work on this a lot faster together.]
Edited (oops i deleted half my own tag...) 2022-09-15 03:42 (UTC)
[He'd hit him again, and then again, and then again, the rage boiling in his veins, spilling over in his eyes, through his tears, clouding his vision, his thoughts, the space around him.]
Don't you fucking understand?? I HATE him! He stole two years from me, he stole YOU-!
[...And he'd take each and every blow, as unflinchingly as he could, standing in place like a scolded puppy. Nothing cowed him, except his friends. He'd stand still for no one, except the people he loved. This sucked, but okay; fine.
His main concern was that if he bruised up too bad, Mikey was gonna be pissed at Kazutora. So--]
...man, stop.
[Requested, a little blandly. He didn't want to pull Kazutora forcefully out of his delusion. He didn't know what that could do to him, and knew that was his place of safety, of refuge... but...]
...you lost those two years, yeah; forgive him.
[It didn't need to make sense. If it was real to Kazutora, he'd talk to him on those terms.]
He lost his brother; and he lost you too, right? His close friend. You both lost irreplaceable shit. But you can get summuvit back.
And he didn't steal me. I'm right here. And you should know that, because you keep fucking planting your fist into me.
[He didn't understand.. how could he have stabbed him and he died and it wasn't Kazutora?? All he remembered hearing Mikey say was that Baji had died.. and it had been because of him.]
That's fucking -- it doesn't make sense! He told me you'd died cause of what I'd done-!
[Kazutora wasn't sure what to make of that statement. At the very moment he'd been dragged to this hell, he had hoped to die, so he understood the sentiment, but..
"To end your fight"
Kazutora's eyes would widen, and he'd suddenly understand --]
Did you.. did you think you did it to keep Mikey from killing me..?
[He understands he should take this moment to say something powerful and profound.
...But he literally wasn't there.
So, best guess, based on Mikey's feedback and his own knowledge of his own dumbass personality:]
Yeah.
[PROFOUND, indeed.
Okay, sighing and tacking on:]
So he'd forgive you; so he wouldn't break his own heart by hurting up; so you'd forgive him; so you wouldn't be responsible for hurting me and blame yourself.
.... [He'd rest his forehead on his shoulder, taking in that knowledge. It was the first thing that had tempered him, made him pause, made him consider that perhaps he was taking this too far.
But he honestly .. didn't know how to stop. He didn't know how to forgive Mikey. He didn't know ..
How to forgive himself.
He didn't think he could. If he couldn't forgive himself, how could he expect anyone else to?]
How..? It won't ever be the same, Baji. It can't be. There isn't a good part in me anymore.
[He'd grip his sleeve, eyes downcast. And he'd stay like that for a breath, trying simply not to think. Trying just to exist without a painful thought, to just exist next to Baji.]
Gah-! [He'd pull back and press a hand to his forehead, sniffling. It didn't hurt, not in the least, but it did break him out of his spiral, at least momentarily. He'd level a lidded frown, mostly a pout, in his direction. And then he'd grin.]
Better watch it, I'm hair triggered right now~
[And then he'd register what Baji had said about Mikey. What an odd thing to say.. The Mikey he knew was always confident beyond arrogance, a shard of light that he now could only see through red colored lenses. But to be fair, he had seen a darkness in him, right after he'd stabbed Baji, and right as Mikey was pummeling him to death.
Maybe, in a way, he always felt like Mikey had that in him. And so it was easy to peg him as the enemy..]
Your people...
[He'd look up at Baji, conflicted..]
If I asked you to forget about Mikey and stay with me, would you do it?
[It was a nasty question, he realized. Baji had apparently killed himself to save them both. But it was the both part that still made him twitch with anger.
He wanted to be special to at least one person, the most special person in someone else's life. Because he hadn't been to his parents, and his friends before Toman never cared for him, and even Toman was a group. Baji had been his best friend once, his partner in crime. Now he just didn't know what they were..]
[It's an unfair question. They both know it's an unfair question. It's not the kind of thing you ask someone you care about; someone who's your best friend.
Baji takes a breath and doesn't break eye contact. Knows better than that. Steady, steady, so the tiger doesn't think you'll dart.]
Didn't I already?
[It wasn't a satisfying answer. He knew that.
The truth was, he never wanted to leave Mikey. Mikey was his oldest friend, maybe his strongest bond. They shared that knowledge of one another that even Draken couldn't hold a candle to, those earliest of childhood memories before they'd fully formed, while they were still becoming. English nicknames, sparring, playing with action figures, bellies to the floor, grinning, fighting, hating one another, making up.
...but Kazutora was alone, and Mikey had so much love around him. So many people who'd do right by him. Baji hadn't done right by Kazutora when he'd failed to convince him not to steal the bike. He hadn't done right by him when he'd gotten caught by Shinichiro, leaving the burden of that fateful attack to someone too young to understand its consequences.
He was there that night. So he'd always be there. He'd promised.
Kazutora would never have to go it alone. So...]
...Yeah. I would.
[But it'd hurt him.
So the question was-- was Kazutora gonna stab him again to make himself feel better?]
[He'd look back at him, expression softer than usual, and he'd smile, glancing down.]
Thank you..
[He did believe him. Baji would do it. But it would hurt; he'd be sad for leaving Mikey, and now that Kazutora's walls were falling, now that he'd attacked Baji and knew how awful that felt, he.. didn't want to hurt him anymore.
But it was indeed an unsatisfying answer. Kazutora wasn't special enough, and he never would be. You couldn't be when compared to someone like Mikey; it just wasn't feasible. And who needed a family anyway..
So he'd punch Baji lightly on the shoulder, and he'd look back up.]
I know Mikey wants me to come back.. he's always himself, heh. ... But I can't, Baji, I'm sorry. Go back to him. To your actual people. You didn't fail, and he'll get it; everyone will be relieved.
...'kay, then that's how it is. Look, I'll stay here then, with you. Until you're ready to meet up with Mikey. Then you two can decide how this is going to go down.
But I can't just leave you in this shithole alone. So I guess it's 'welcome home', huh?
Baji, don't be an idiot. [Frowning and turning away from him to stuff hands in his pockets, to kick dust from the floor, his necklace jingling, echoing in the hollow space.]
You'll just resent me and think I'm crazy and be anxious until you can go back to Mikey.
[Shrugging, suddenly tired from always losing, losing losing..]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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With you.
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Mikey ruined my life and you said you were with me-!! You promised--
[He'd turn away, shaking, stifling a sob. He couldn't bring himself to really lash out at Baji anymore, not after he'd realized he was indeed the most precious thing to him. Not after he'd realized he'd ruined that precious thing.
But it hurt. God it hurt]
You promised.. and you lied.
You chose Mikey over me. For two years you-- ....
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[He had promised. And he intended to keep that promise. No matter what. Even if it meant Mikey fucking hated him-- Mikey would be okay, wouldn't he? He had Draken and all the rest. He had so much love, so many people who understood and supported him. This was in fact, here in this place, a Mikey who had survived without him.
...He knew it was a fucking blow if he went. He knew he was one of the few people who'd really known Mikey as a child, who knew everything that went down, who'd seen his personality form, who understood the depth of the dark within him; who understood he had a killer instinct deep down but didn't want to. Should never evolve into having. Could be stopped from having.
Kazutora was the opposite... he was a killer on the surface, and shattered glass deep down. A broken, wounded thing who'd make a mistake and had suffered for it. A friend who needed a friend. A person who simply needed... forgiveness. A future. Hope.
Keisuke Baji wasn't smart. But he was a good first division leader. He knew people. He knew his people. He'd do anything; anything; for them.]
I promised you. And I won't go anywhere without you. I won't go home without you; but I wanna take you home, cause this place sucks.
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All I had was you. All I ever had was you, and it's all I wanted, and in jail, I--
[He'd look up at the mottled, moldy ceiling.]
Fuck revenge, fuck redemption, the only thing that actually kept me going, day after day, were your letters. All I wanted was to get out and be with you again..
But it didn't matter 'cause you didn't want that, and I can't stand that-!
[He'd clench his fists tightly, so tightly his nails would dig into his palms, drips of blood splattering the cracked floor.
When he spoke again, his voice would crack with emotion.]
I killed you, you know. You must have heard that from Mikey already. Stabbed you when I realized you'd left me.
You don't want me, and I'm no good, so just -- go. Just go.
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[Kazutora could rant if he wanted. Get it all out. That was probably productive, even.
Didn't matter though. He was rooted to the spot because he wanted to be, and he was rooted to the spot because Mikey had asked him to be.]
...I'm glad the letters meant somthin' to you. Good. They were a bitch to write. Sorry about the handwritin'.
[Chifuyu was a saint. Like... the patron saint of being irritating as fuck, mostly, but a good, good kid. He'd helped a lot.
He missed him, which felt vaguely stupid after beating his face in. But just like he knew Chifuyu didn't mind one iota, already forgave him, Kazutora had to know the same went for him.]
You're with me now, and I don't give a shit if you stabbed me. You didn't kill me. And I want you to come with me now. So we can all be in once place together. Safety in numbers. Mikey wants you with us; I do too.
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Baji was quicker than Kazutora, stronger.
He'd take the hit easily, head snapping to the side with the force of the hit. That was fine. Let Kazutora vent it all out here; it was safer that way.]
...you can be mad at me. But I need you to drop your vendetta against Mikey.
He wants you, Kazutora. We all want you back.
[Or well, Mikey was working on wanting him back. They could both work on this a lot faster together.]
NUUU TAAAGGG
Don't you fucking understand?? I HATE him! He stole two years from me, he stole YOU-!
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His main concern was that if he bruised up too bad, Mikey was gonna be pissed at Kazutora. So--]
...man, stop.
[Requested, a little blandly. He didn't want to pull Kazutora forcefully out of his delusion. He didn't know what that could do to him, and knew that was his place of safety, of refuge... but...]
...you lost those two years, yeah; forgive him.
[It didn't need to make sense. If it was real to Kazutora, he'd talk to him on those terms.]
He lost his brother; and he lost you too, right? His close friend. You both lost irreplaceable shit. But you can get summuvit back.
And he didn't steal me. I'm right here. And you should know that, because you keep fucking planting your fist into me.
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But the smile would fade fast, even as he'd stop the barrage of punches. He'd set his fist against Baji's chest and glance down]
I can't.. I can't let go, Baji, I can't, I can't, I can't--
[He'd shake his head furiously, fist tightening.]
I'm too far gone..
[It was a moment of rare clarity for Kazutora, available to him because of what he'd just done before he'd arrived in this Hell. His stabbing Baji...]
If I can kill you, then there's nothing left of me. I'm done.
Just-- go home. Go to Mikey. It's where you really wanna be anyway.
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[Repeated again.]
Mikey told me what happened, and you didn't kill me.
[He didn't know? Or he'd just forgotten? Who knew, with Kazutora. But he repeats that reassurance like a clear bell, tolling the truth.]
If you dont wanna come, I can't force ya. But I'm not leaving you here alone.
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That's fucking -- it doesn't make sense! He told me you'd died cause of what I'd done-!
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[A brow furrow. Timelines are hard wtf.]
--I mean, I guess I was there, but I wasn't--
[Shit, his head hurt. Maybe because Kazutora had hit it like five times.]
Mikey said I committed suicide to end your fight, okay? Guess I stabbed myself. So maybe don't fucking test me, cause I'm batshit.
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[Kazutora wasn't sure what to make of that statement. At the very moment he'd been dragged to this hell, he had hoped to die, so he understood the sentiment, but..
"To end your fight"
Kazutora's eyes would widen, and he'd suddenly understand --]
Did you.. did you think you did it to keep Mikey from killing me..?
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[He understands he should take this moment to say something powerful and profound.
...But he literally wasn't there.
So, best guess, based on Mikey's feedback and his own knowledge of his own dumbass personality:]
Yeah.
[PROFOUND, indeed.
Okay, sighing and tacking on:]
So he'd forgive you; so he wouldn't break his own heart by hurting up; so you'd forgive him; so you wouldn't be responsible for hurting me and blame yourself.
I'm sure of it, yeah.
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[He'd rest his forehead on his shoulder, taking in that knowledge. It was the first thing that had tempered him, made him pause, made him consider that perhaps he was taking this too far.
But he honestly .. didn't know how to stop. He didn't know how to forgive Mikey. He didn't know ..
How to forgive himself.
He didn't think he could. If he couldn't forgive himself, how could he expect anyone else to?]
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He was with him.]
...we can skip all that this time. We can go straight to the good part.
Where we're all together again.
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There isn't a good part in me anymore.
[He'd grip his sleeve, eyes downcast. And he'd stay like that for a breath, trying simply not to think. Trying just to exist without a painful thought, to just exist next to Baji.]
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[The hand on his head would lift... and go to flick him in the forehead.]
You got a lot of good stuff about you. Mikey does too. You both have a lot of bad stuff about you too.
It doesn't matter. I don't care if you're good people. You're my people. That's it.
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[He'd pull back and press a hand to his forehead, sniffling. It didn't hurt, not in the least, but it did break him out of his spiral, at least momentarily. He'd level a lidded frown, mostly a pout, in his direction. And then he'd grin.]
Better watch it, I'm hair triggered right now~
[And then he'd register what Baji had said about Mikey. What an odd thing to say.. The Mikey he knew was always confident beyond arrogance, a shard of light that he now could only see through red colored lenses. But to be fair, he had seen a darkness in him, right after he'd stabbed Baji, and right as Mikey was pummeling him to death.
Maybe, in a way, he always felt like Mikey had that in him. And so it was easy to peg him as the enemy..]
Your people...
[He'd look up at Baji, conflicted..]
If I asked you to forget about Mikey and stay with me, would you do it?
[It was a nasty question, he realized. Baji had apparently killed himself to save them both. But it was the both part that still made him twitch with anger.
He wanted to be special to at least one person, the most special person in someone else's life. Because he hadn't been to his parents, and his friends before Toman never cared for him, and even Toman was a group. Baji had been his best friend once, his partner in crime. Now he just didn't know what they were..]
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[It's an unfair question. They both know it's an unfair question. It's not the kind of thing you ask someone you care about; someone who's your best friend.
Baji takes a breath and doesn't break eye contact. Knows better than that. Steady, steady, so the tiger doesn't think you'll dart.]
Didn't I already?
[It wasn't a satisfying answer. He knew that.
The truth was, he never wanted to leave Mikey. Mikey was his oldest friend, maybe his strongest bond. They shared that knowledge of one another that even Draken couldn't hold a candle to, those earliest of childhood memories before they'd fully formed, while they were still becoming. English nicknames, sparring, playing with action figures, bellies to the floor, grinning, fighting, hating one another, making up.
...but Kazutora was alone, and Mikey had so much love around him. So many people who'd do right by him. Baji hadn't done right by Kazutora when he'd failed to convince him not to steal the bike. He hadn't done right by him when he'd gotten caught by Shinichiro, leaving the burden of that fateful attack to someone too young to understand its consequences.
He was there that night. So he'd always be there. He'd promised.
Kazutora would never have to go it alone. So...]
...Yeah. I would.
[But it'd hurt him.
So the question was-- was Kazutora gonna stab him again to make himself feel better?]
NU WEEPS BAJI ILU
Thank you..
[He did believe him. Baji would do it. But it would hurt; he'd be sad for leaving Mikey, and now that Kazutora's walls were falling, now that he'd attacked Baji and knew how awful that felt, he.. didn't want to hurt him anymore.
But it was indeed an unsatisfying answer. Kazutora wasn't special enough, and he never would be. You couldn't be when compared to someone like Mikey; it just wasn't feasible. And who needed a family anyway..
So he'd punch Baji lightly on the shoulder, and he'd look back up.]
I know Mikey wants me to come back.. he's always himself, heh.
...
But I can't, Baji, I'm sorry. Go back to him. To your actual people. You didn't fail, and he'll get it; everyone will be relieved.
SHOT THRU THE HEART </3
That he'd take care of this.]
...'kay, then that's how it is. Look, I'll stay here then, with you. Until you're ready to meet up with Mikey. Then you two can decide how this is going to go down.
But I can't just leave you in this shithole alone. So I guess it's 'welcome home', huh?
[Looking around again. Eesh. Not a nice place.]
AND YOURE TOO LATE
[Frowning and turning away from him to stuff hands in his pockets, to kick dust from the floor, his necklace jingling, echoing in the hollow space.]
You'll just resent me and think I'm crazy and be anxious until you can go back to Mikey.
[Shrugging, suddenly tired from always losing, losing losing..]
So just go.
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I'm not anxious. I'm tired. Mikey doesn't let anyone sleep; too loud and angry.
[Read: fussy. Maybe he'd get better sleep here after all.]
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(cw: underage drinking)
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LOL that description of clothes removal